Congratulations on your promotion to favourite person!

Loving neurodivergent women Part IIII

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You’re in the best relationship of your life.

The woman of your dreams. She loves you the way you always wanted to be loved. Perhaps a touch beyond that.

She laughs at the jokes that you know aren’t funny, and she puts up with your friends, who you know are irksome. Her skin is soft, and she tells you how much she loves you more than you, frankly, would need.

You could feel the moment you broke through the outer shell. The moment you were engulfed by the soft centre she keeps hidden from the world. The part that aches to love, and be loved.

And my god, she loves you.

You get to see the real her, and it feels prestigious to be the place where she lets her walls down. You know she feels good around you. Safe.

You see it in the way her heartbeat steadies when she’s curled into your armpit, and in the way one slight change in your tone can ruin her entire afternoon.

You’re not like everyone else in her life, no.

You, my friend…

You have been promoted to her favourite person.

A promotion you most likely neither asked for nor were informed bout. But one that most definitely does come with greater responsibilities… and longer hours.

This intense love that many neurodivergent people experience can be incredibly passionate and fulfilling for both partners, but it can also blur boundaries and amplify dependency. Both experiences are valid.

Not all neurodivergent people will experience love in this intense way, either, but it’s my experience. Maybe it’s yours, too. Maybe you didn’t realise it until now. Maybe you’re simply intrigued and, equally, concerned for my partners wellbeing.

Either way, this promotion is a learning experience for us all.

Job perks

This is no small feat; this role is not allocated to just anyone. And what might seem out of the blue to you, is years of not feeling safe around anyone else. It’s wondering if you too will leave like everyone else. It’s her finally feeling the calm that she has been searching for. The gentle love that softens the sharpness of her tongue she has grown accustomed to wielding.

The relief when the stage curtains drop, and she no longer has to perform.

You’ve most likely already been feeling the perks. The warmth in your chest that flutters by when a person knows they are deeply loved. When their partner wants to be with them, always.

When you’ve been apart for a few hours, and she’s waiting by the door, practically vibrating- like a golden retriever with a worryingly high screen time.

The love of a golden retriever and the loyalty of a German Shepherd. Someone who will die for you, but not necessarily reply to your texts in time. Someone who is always in your corner, always ready to fight for you if you need.

To be loved by a neurodivergent woman is to be entwined in every fibre of their being. A deep, all-encompassing love. The type of love that I would argue is the most genuine a person can possess. (Possess is an accurate word in my case, I often feel as though there is so much love in me I could start hyperventilating and crawling on the ceiling).

This isn’t manipulation, or a cunning attempt at love-bombing. It also isn’t in the context of Borderline Personality Disorder (although if this resonates with you, please take it). For people with ADHD, our brains are wired to seek dopamine. In romantic relationships, dopamine is rife. This creates a supercharged dopamine response that feels addictive and all-consuming.

For people with autism, once they have established someone as a safe place, simply being around them relaxes their body. Imagine an internal sigh of relief. It changes the way the world exists around us, something that is there but no longer cuts us if we get too close.

And if you have ADHD and autism (fellow AuDHDs, raise your hands)… let’s just say we’re doing our best. Which, frankly, is heroic considering the neurodivergent mixing bowl we were served.

Operational hurdles

For some, this will come as no surprise, but for others, this may feel too soon. Perhaps you’ve only just begun the relationship. This sort of promotion was supposed to be further down the line. Or maybe it was all-encompassing at the start, and now it seems the honeymoon phase is over.

You’re not alone in these experiences. It’s confusing for us too.

Sometimes even exhausting. The moment your nervous system becomes dependent on someone. When your body craves the dopamine that lingers in their embrace. The moment when intensity masquerades as intimacy.

I’m going to be honest, there will be times when your role will feel uncertain. This promotion comes with hot and cold territory. When you’re with them, you are everything. The fuel in their engine. And other times, when you’re not with them, it can feel like you’re a mere bug splattered on the windscreen, ready to get ushered away by the wipers.

Out of sight, out of mind. And, unfortunately, for many neurodivergent people this is the case. If you are not directly in front of us then the million other things flying around in our brains take priority. It’s the same reason why if we put something out of sight to ‘do later’, we will not in fact ever do it later.

It’s not that your partner doesn’t care, it’s that they’re consumed by something else. Their attention isn’t always stable, even when their feelings are. But you are allowed to need reassurance during these times, communicating with your partner about how to meet halfway.

This promotion can also come with a sense of pressure. The weight of being someone else’s rock. How sometimes you may shrink your own world, to make sure you can be someone else’s.

When someone seems to be dependent on you, and how you feel as though you must show up in the way they need, or they could fall apart. A constant performance review- one that never seems to go the right way.

But you’re allowed to be your own person. In fact, your performance depends on it. How can you be there for the person you love if you are showing up in fragments of yourself?

You can be each other’s world, without crashing into each other. Like Saturn, existing in its own path while still held in orbit. You can still love someone, and have time alone.

You can help someone stay on their path without losing your footing on yours.

You’re also allowed to struggle. You don’t have to have it all together for the both of you. You’re allowed to be the one that needs the safe place, the shoulder to lean on. You’re allowed to get as much out of a relationship as you give.

One way to do this is to delegate. Delegate your resources: make sure you have your own life, social structure, hobbies etc. And help her to delegate hers: other ways to relieve anxiety and to ground, seeing friends and family and not isolating, getting extra support if needed.

Most of all, communicate. Easier said than done, but sometimes the first step is as simple as sending something like this to the person you love. It gives you somewhere to meet each other, instead of starting from opposite sides of the conversation.

Key takeaways and closing remarks

Overall, it makes sense why neurodivergent people can develop a “favourite person.” Who wouldn’t want a nervous system regulator, a steady presence, someone to orbit around when everything else feels overwhelming, a safe place- all in one person?

And on the other side, it makes sense why the non-neurodivergent partner can feel fulfilled, too. Who wouldn’t want to be the person someone turns to first, to feel deeply valued, needed, and woven into the centre of someone else’s world?

Who wouldn’t want to reunite after a few hours, and have the person you love waiting and vibrating for you by the door?

So yes, whilst this promotion has its clear incentives, it’s important to discuss the possible operational hurdles. To make sure you can come together, but as individual people.

So you can support, without being suffocated. And so we can love, with every inch of our being, in a way that doesn’t ask us to disappear inside it.

If you take nothing else from this promotion, let it be this. You are allowed to be adored and still need boundaries. You are allowed to be adored in ways that leave room for you, too. You are both allowed to be love and be loved in the ways that fulfil you.

You don’t always have to get it right, in fact, you most frequently won’t. But it’s being patient and understanding with each other whilst you both learn. It’s about getting up and working together every day. Working the night shifts. Doing the long hours.

Waking up knowing you’re rich in every sense of the word that money was never designed to measure.

You deserve that kind of love. And if you ever need reminding of that,

I’ll be here

- Ella :)

ᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧ☾ ˖°˖☆ ˖°˖☽ᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧᐧ

I’d love to hear what you think! You always have a voice here <3

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